so I had a very lively conversation/argument last night with
someone I thought was both an adult and a good friend.
first, let me be
clear. i'm an asshole. i'm brutally honest. i hate bullshit. i can't stand men
who sugarcoat their thoughts or feelings because they fear offending or hurting
you, which i take as this assumption i'm not strong enough to handle
his truth, which goes back to hating bullshit. or men who pride themselves on
being 'yes men' as if always saying yes is always the correct answer.
dating is a
choice
A CHOICE
you choose to
date. to actively pursue a relationship with another man or women, or you don’t.
you're either
looking for love and to build a life with someone, or you're not.
and my idea of
dating is quite different than most gay men these days. thanks to
the onslaught of mobile apps dating isn't what it used to be.
you don't meet a
guy, go on a few dates, talk/get to know each other and see where it goes or if
it even could develop into something more.
nowadays it's all
about instant gratification. you either meet the guys profile requirements or
you don't. you either know before you've ordered the appetizer that
you're meant for each other, or it’s a waste of time. and if the answer is
no?
who cares when all
you have to do is boot up an app and find another guy who is.
there's zero
investment made up front because you both come to the table with
this understanding that you're both disposable.
instantly replaceable.
all at the click/swipe of a finger.
that isn't how i
view dating. it isn't how i started out this life of mine. there’s is a clear
difference for me between something being purely physical (casual sex/hook ups)
or emotional (dating/relationships)
to me, if i say
i'm open to dating, that means i'm looking to possibly establish a life with
another man. i want to date. to go on dinners. be taken or take him to places
he or i have never been. to try things we've never tried before. talk about our
histories, present day lives, and where we see our futures going. learn about each
other’s dysfunctional yet functional families. to spend all night talking about
nothing yet everything. to have that amazing feeling of uneasiness and anticipation
after not seeing each other for a few days. to get butterflies when the phone
lights up and it's a text or call from him. the not 'knowing' where it's all
headed but excited for the possibility of what it could become.
that to me is
dating.
and it’s a lot, as it should be, because in my mind dating means
you’re ready for more.
so with all of that, i had a friend who made it clear once things
with Gary ended that he'd like to date or have casual sex
in turn i made it
very clear while flattered at that time i was not in any position or state of
mind to date or humor any type of relationship with anyone
purely physical or
romantic
i was depressed. i
needed time to process and heal. to find myself again.
and to me it would have been disrespectful to open another person
up to me knowing full well I’m not ready or in a position to give him what he
wants.
he acknowledged my
position, said he respected it, and when/if i was ever ready to talk about
dating to hit him up
totally reasonable
right? this is how two adults should behave. you discuss your wants, desires,
and goals and if they match up, great! if not, you thank each other for playing
and move on.
but that's not
what happen. he would constantly text, call, email, instant message hitting me
up for dates and sex
all of which i'd
either ignore or decline
once a man has
made his position clear and you've had a honest conversation about it, i don't
see any point in repeating myself
but last night i
reached a tipping point.
i had just gotten back into town after spending a weekend visiting
my BFF and attending her baby shower with my kid brother by another mother. it was
amazing to get to spend the weekend with my two very best friends on the
planet, to see her glowing and the love she and her husband have for one
another, and to meet her new friends, and to spend time with her family I haven’t
seen since middle school. it was a lot for me to take on in my current state of
‘unknowing’ but when you love someone like family, you put yourself aside and
do what needs to be done for them.
so after driving home 3+ hours from a lovely but emotionally
taxing weekend, he hits me up and is brazen in his invitation, or more
correctly, his self-invitation to my house to have sex because he’s horny and
it’s time we finally do it
that did it.
i was done being
nice.
respectful.
so i told him the
following:
"Look. We've
been over this multiple times over the past 2 years. I get you're interested in
me, and while flattered, your constant pursuit of me for casual sex
and/or dating is highly fucking annoying and has turned into a major fucking
turn off. You are now 100% unattractive to me because you couldn't respect my
decision that I wasn't ready to date or have sex with you. So, since you didn't
fully comprehend our previous conversations let me be as clear as I possibly
can be at this point: Fuck off. I do not want to date or fuck you now or
anytime soon. If you don't like this? Tough shit. Delete my number, defriend
me, and tell every homo you know what an asshole I am because none of that crap
means two shits to me."
well, this sent
him into a gay tizzy and all of a sudden I was the asshole
i had been leading
him on, making it seem like i was interested when all i had to do was tell him
i wasn't from the start
so i said, hold
for a minute
scrolled through
my phones IM history, took a screen capture of the last time he asked me out/wanted
sex and my reply that said "thanks but i'm still not ready to date or fuck
around bud. Have a good night." attached to a text message and hit send.
yet after
receiving that he still bitched and claimed I was the asshole and he the
wronged party.
It was so Dawson’s Creek while the endless texts kept streaming in
I called At&t and has his number blocked.
WTF IS WRONG WITH
MEN THESE DAYS?!
this only furthers
my position that no matter how much i miss my ex, still want to have a
relationship and build a life with someone, i'm not ready.
maybe i'll never be.
and you know what else?
I'm TOTALLY ok
with that.
maybe bachelorhood isn't
such a bad deal. maybe my dream ever since i was a starry wide-eyed teen to
find the man of my dreams, fall in love, build a life and home together with
kids is just that…
the dreams of a
kid.
and it's time to
wake up and face reality.
this is my
reality. i'll never find a guy to accept me and all my faults.
that was my past.
i need to focus on
me and my future.
alone.
o_O