Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Lost

Back at square one yet again

Ended something with great potential out of fear of failure

Know I did the right thing, but it still hurts

He deserves someone who can get completely lost in him

Not someone whose tried, broken and lost within himself

But it still hurts

It hurts to be so lost

Friday, July 4, 2014

My curse

I can see it now
We'll be old and gray and still where we are today
Only we'll have wasted our youth convincing ourselves we could never work
We constantly walk away because of things left unsaid
Words neither of us had to balls to say out loud trapped inside our heads
To man up and make the sacrifice for each other that's needed

And it pisses me off
It fucking pisses me off

I love you but that love has turned into a curse
You are my curse

Because I can't quit you
No matter how hard I try
Not even when someone new enters my life and reminds me of how amazing it feels to be a part of something again
To be desired, thought of, cared about, longed for

AND HE'S A GOOD MAN

Yet no matter how good he makes me feel or how hopeful for something more I get

He isn't you

This isn't us

It's a waste of my fucking time

And I find myself right where i've always been

Thinking of you

Missing you

My fucking curse

Monday, December 16, 2013

torn



so i woke up today after having horrible dreams all night that kept up

the dreams were not nightmares per say, but close to them from am emotional standpoint

overarching themes of loneliness dominated each one

i could recognize that i was alone

and in most dreams along of my own doing or by my own design

and like i do in reality i pretended i was ok with it

that this time for me being single is what i want

and then he entered my dream and it was a mix of the past and present

we were together again

we shared a home again

we laughed and did little things like run errands and hit the gym and dinners with friends

it 'felt' uncomplicated

natual

normal

it felt like home...

and i woke up crying

because that isn't my reality and as much as i know being with someone, even him, isn't everything

it

still

is

because i miss him

i miss him terribly

and i hate myself for letting him go those many years ago

i actively hate myself for not being stronger

for not being the man he needed me to be then

and finding us where we are today

friends

friends that love each other

want to be more than just friends

but we don't

not because we can't, but because we allow lifes excuses to be our excuses

the distance between us

that our careers are in different locations

my bug

but at the end of the day i don't care about any of it

at the end of the day i still want to marry him

and have a day

to be waiting on the other side of double doors leading into my wedding hall with my mom on my side ready to walk me down the isle to him

i want to have butterflies in my stomach

and tears in my eye

when i see him standing there

waiting for me

to be with me

always

and yet i hate all of that crap. these social norms i'm supposed to conform to

but i do

i do care

and it eats me up inside

to the point that some days i'm useless

trapped by my own design

because i'm torn


Sunday, December 8, 2013

Unanticipated

you never think of the day after

of tomorrow

or the lingering feeling of what you've done

and how it will cost you

dearly

only in that moment you can you think of only the moment

the hurt

the pain

rip it off like a Band-Aid

quick

concise

merciful

and yet

there you sit

idle

the void that now burrows in your chest

eating you alive

is of your own doing

but you did the right thing

like a Band-Aid they said

quick

merciful

but for who?

you?

him?

both?

neither?

yet here I sit

without you

this is unanticipated

fin.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Tech Rant - Nokia Lumia 1502

rather then rewrite what I've already posted on my Facebook page on 11/26/13 I'm going to do a cut and paste job then a quick update:

Initial Review of my new Nokia Lumia 1520:

Size: She is a BIG oh gurl! I'm going from a Samsung Galaxy S3, which isn't a tiny phone, but my 1520 dwarfs her in screen size alone. She is too big to put into my front jeans pocket, so as of right now the size is my only negative BUT it's also a major positive. The screen is crystal clear, displays colors beautifully, and my pictures and the couple videos I’ve played and streamed so far have all been handled like a pro.
Hardware: She is BEAUTIFUL! The hardware and uniform body is flawless. She feels amazing to hold, is light, and stunning to look at and use. Because of the size for normal use she's a two-hand phone, but for simple stuff like checking the news or weather I’ve found I can do most with one hand. The body is a little slick after handling, so I wish they had included some type of texture to the back to help avoid dropping it, but this is easily fixable with a case, which is being delivered today.
Windows Mobile OS: In short, ah may zing. I'm not sure why there's so much bad reviews because having used both Apple iOS (many moons ago) and Android for the last couple of years, this is one of the smartest mobile phones OS I’ve ever used. The interface is clean, well-organized, easy to pick up, navigate, and use and is so fluid and snappy I’m actually quite shocked. I was up and running with all my Microsoft account information syncing up with no problems (outside of a few contacts not linking correctly) in just a few minutes so I'm loving the OS.
Apps: I'm also not sure why everyone keeps saying Windows Phone has no apps. Um, it has every app I use on a daily basis, but then again I've never been a super app heavy user, so I've zero issues in this department. I've got Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare, Scruff (^_^), Instagram (still in beta), LinkedIn, and Vimeo. They all run great and look great, so I'm good here.
Cloud and storage: Everything linked up perfectly with my Microsoft SkyDrive, so all my pictures and documents and files I can access with a few swipes. Having access to full Office apps like Word and Excel is kind of amazing and with the MicroSD card slot going up to 64GB's of additional on device storage (which I'm using) on top of the 16GB's of internal storage, on top of my 100GBs of SkyDrive storage, I will never lack for space to store things. I think as of right now since majority of my files and pictures are in the cloud (SkyDrive) my biggest space monster is all my music, but that's only 30GB's or so (at least the stuff I listen to most often) and it all fits nicely on my SD card with room to spare.
I've yet to use it for other basics like pictures and navigation nor have I tried to setup any of my Google accounts so there's still a ton more to learn and do and see. But after only a couple hours of play time and use, I'm in love. ^_^ Now here's hoping I don't drop her and crack the screen before the case arrives.
So now it's today, 12/1/13, and I've been using my Lumia 1520 for about five days now and here are a few more thoughts.
I love her. The size no longer bothers me, in fact, I think it has some unforeseen benefits.
One is being one of 'those people' who walk around in public with their phone out looking at the screen paying zero attention to their surroundings. I used to do that, now I don't. I have my 1520 in my pocket and pull it out only when I need it, usually after I've arrived at my destination, even if I hear a notification go off. In short, it has helped me realize that some things can and should wait and that it's much safer for me to not draw attention to myself by walking around with my expensive phone out when petty crimes of thief is on the increase in Washington DC as well as in other major US cities.
Two, I can actually work with my phone. I'm finally wrapping up graduate school (YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!) but still had a couple of final assignments to submit. Any good grad student knows in order to do your best work you seek out advice, so I've been swapping papers between peers for peer reviews and the other day a buddy sent me his final paper in MS Word and I was able to pull it up and review AND insert edits/comments right from my 1520!! Now, this might not seem like a big deal, but when I translate this to work and how I won't need to pull out my laptop when on travel to review a document or check figures in MS Excel, it's a big fucking deal.
Overall I think my biggest surprise is how great a job Microsoft and Nokia have done with this and other Windows and Lumia phones. Yes, Apple and Android are still the top dogs, but I think we'll see a dynamic change over the coming years because while late to the game, Microsoft and Nokia are doing everything insanely right.
They are capturing the entire user experience. They make using a smart phone effortless and appealing. They are releasing products built on todays most advance technology so that they can improve and refine them through software updates that better harness the hardwares power. For me as a consumer I don't want nor need to buy the new latest and greatest cell phone every six months, I want a phone that is great for my life today but also one that will grow with me over the next couple of years. I look at it the same as buying a computer, it's an investment. I couldn't get that with Android since they refresh their products so often, and I'm just not a fan of Apple as a corporation and how they lock you into their ecosphere, so I'd never go back to that camp.
Microsoft and Nokia are giving me the product I've always wanted. Something that fits into my life and improves it without overthinking it. So long as they keep on this path, continue to build quality products that once a user actually uses them and sees firsthand how amazing it is, haters will stop hating and will start celebrating.
I know I am.
o_O
 
 
 
 

Saturday, November 30, 2013

ending an end

it's necessary when it's the lesser of two evils

right?

so there's a guy who has been wooing me for almost two years now. on paper he's utterly amazing. smart, attractive, in shape, thoughtful, caring, and kiss really well, and for some ungodly reason thinks the world of me.

we tried dating a two years ago but i really wasn't ready for any kind of relationship, which i made very clear, but he still went full steam ahead so i had to cut him off a couple times before we agreed friend is better. but he used that as a means to slowly break me down and would ask for another chance or date only once a month and i always said no until this month.

two dates later, first of two being one of the best dates i'd ever been on. he remembered the little things. took me to an amazing restaurant with a super large scotch and whiskey collection where i got to try some brands and ages i'd never heard of. then whisked us off to Black Salt, one of the best restaurant groups in the DC area, because he was close friends with the executive pastry chef and asked her to make my favorite key lime pie so she put it on the menu just for that night and sat is in their private dinning room. this was a surprised and a welcomed once since I had never been to Black Salt let alone ate in their private dinning room.

so it's those things that make him stand out, but at the end of the night, when i'm alone and longing for someone to hold me or to be with me or thinking about plotting a life with he isn't the man that comes to mind. something is 'missing' for me and after two years and multiple rounds i think it's only fair to him at this point to end it.

so i did.

while i feel awful about it, it's for the best. what decent person would continue to see someone knowing they are twice as invested in what could be than you are? not me.

but it sucks

because being alone is starting to get to me. doing all of 'this' alone is starting to get to me. not having someone in my corner, someone to depend on for emotional support and encouragement is starting to get to me.

but even still i won't hurt someone just to have them help fill a void.

that's an end i can't support.

but this end

ending an end for the right reason is the right thing to do

even if it does leave me feeling like shit

o_O