Sunday, December 22, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
so i woke up today after having horrible dreams all night that kept up
the dreams were not nightmares per say, but close to them from am emotional standpoint
overarching themes of loneliness dominated each one
i could recognize that i was alone
and in most dreams along of my own doing or by my own design
and like i do in reality i pretended i was ok with it
that this time for me being single is what i want
and then he entered my dream and it was a mix of the past and present
we were together again
we shared a home again
we laughed and did little things like run errands and hit the gym and dinners with friends
it 'felt' uncomplicated
it felt like home...
and i woke up crying
because that isn't my reality and as much as i know being with someone, even him, isn't everything
because i miss him
i miss him terribly
and i hate myself for letting him go those many years ago
i actively hate myself for not being stronger
for not being the man he needed me to be then
and finding us where we are today
friends that love each other
want to be more than just friends
but we don't
not because we can't, but because we allow lifes excuses to be our excuses
the distance between us
that our careers are in different locations
but at the end of the day i don't care about any of it
at the end of the day i still want to marry him
and have a day
to be waiting on the other side of double doors leading into my wedding hall with my mom on my side ready to walk me down the isle to him
i want to have butterflies in my stomach
and tears in my eye
when i see him standing there
waiting for me
to be with me
and yet i hate all of that crap. these social norms i'm supposed to conform to
but i do
i do care
and it eats me up inside
to the point that some days i'm useless
trapped by my own design
because i'm torn
Sunday, December 8, 2013
or the lingering feeling of what you've done
and how it will cost you
only in that moment you can you think of only the moment
rip it off like a Band-Aid
there you sit
the void that now burrows in your chest
eating you alive
is of your own doing
but you did the right thing
like a Band-Aid they said
but for who?
yet here I sit
this is unanticipated
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Initial Review of my new Nokia Lumia 1520:
Saturday, November 30, 2013
so there's a guy who has been wooing me for almost two years now. on paper he's utterly amazing. smart, attractive, in shape, thoughtful, caring, and kiss really well, and for some ungodly reason thinks the world of me.
we tried dating a two years ago but i really wasn't ready for any kind of relationship, which i made very clear, but he still went full steam ahead so i had to cut him off a couple times before we agreed friend is better. but he used that as a means to slowly break me down and would ask for another chance or date only once a month and i always said no until this month.
two dates later, first of two being one of the best dates i'd ever been on. he remembered the little things. took me to an amazing restaurant with a super large scotch and whiskey collection where i got to try some brands and ages i'd never heard of. then whisked us off to Black Salt, one of the best restaurant groups in the DC area, because he was close friends with the executive pastry chef and asked her to make my favorite key lime pie so she put it on the menu just for that night and sat is in their private dinning room. this was a surprised and a welcomed once since I had never been to Black Salt let alone ate in their private dinning room.
so it's those things that make him stand out, but at the end of the night, when i'm alone and longing for someone to hold me or to be with me or thinking about plotting a life with he isn't the man that comes to mind. something is 'missing' for me and after two years and multiple rounds i think it's only fair to him at this point to end it.
so i did.
while i feel awful about it, it's for the best. what decent person would continue to see someone knowing they are twice as invested in what could be than you are? not me.
but it sucks
because being alone is starting to get to me. doing all of 'this' alone is starting to get to me. not having someone in my corner, someone to depend on for emotional support and encouragement is starting to get to me.
but even still i won't hurt someone just to have them help fill a void.
that's an end i can't support.
but this end
ending an end for the right reason is the right thing to do
even if it does leave me feeling like shit
Thursday, November 14, 2013
From lack of you in it
Like a ghost, you enter
Only the pulling of my heart strings
And weightlessness of my words are left
Not the solace of your touch
The promise of your kiss
The scent of your embrace
The looks you give me
when I see them
And all the ones I don't
Forced impact without touch
A loving and longing for pain I've known
As a cure for the pain I know now
In this silence